Well, it's summer again and that means I am forced to don a swimsuit in a few weeks for my husband's family reunion at the lake. An entire week of sucking in my gut, smoothing out my cellulite, and squeezing into a piece of material so small I can use it as a dish towel. I don't have much time left to 'get in shape' so this year I got creative. That said, here are my top 10 tips to lose weight (or at least look skinnier), without the drudgery of real diet and exercise.
1. Go shopping. Walking burns tons of calories. So does running from your husband when he finds the receipts. Especially effective if your husband is also a runner.
2. Double up on the Spanx. Wear them whenever you aren't in your swimsuit. You wont be able to walk, sit, laugh, or pee, but you'll look super fantastic as long as you can hold that mannequin pose.
3. Eat at Taco Bell three times a day. Taco Bell is nature's cleansing system. Ever seen a fat roach? I didn't think so.
4. Eat quickly. Chew and swallow your food so fast that your stomach wont have time to count the incoming calories. This is the way the Ninjas ate and they were all skinny.
5. Run on a treadmill. Especially helpful if there is a Twinkie dangling in front of treadmill. Also works if someone has a taser pointed at you from behind.
6. Watch The Biggest Loser. Suddenly you aren't feeling so bad about yourself anymore. If Biggest Loser isn't on try The View. See? You're gorgeous!
7. Eat off your husband's plate. It's a little known diet fact that calories only count if they are on your own plate. If he objects tell him he is looking pudgy himself and you are trying to help him out. If that still doesn't work, threaten him with fork.
8. It is another little known fact that calories in batter format do not count. Eat half the cake before it is cooked and the other half after it is cooked. You have just saved yourself 50% of the calories!
9. Install a vomitorium. It worked for the Romans. It can work for you. Best when used in conjunction with Tip #3.
10. Enroll in an exercise class and tell everyone. You don't have to actually go. Just let them think you are going. You will suddenly get comments from friends and family about how great you look.