The Good Wife's Guide
From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955.
While browsing the Internet I came across this gem on how to be a Good Wife, circa 1955.
I'm not sure about you, but I dont' think I'd last long following these 'rules'.
In that spirit, I've submitted a new guide for the modern woman. It's much more managable. You just replace martini's with depression pills and away you go.
Here are the original 'rules' (in bold) and my modifications below. Follow either set of rules at your own peril.
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Today's Good Wife: Call your husband on his way home from work. Tell him to pick up a bucket of chicken and a six pack of PBR. Tell him his other option is that suspicious looking leftover in the fridge that neither one of you can put a carbon date on. Most men are fearful of food poisoning and will be excited to avoid this.
2. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.
Today's Good Wife: Shove all your QVC merchandise into the closets. When they are full use the garage. You can clean them out for your annual yard sale. When he asks what why there are 300 wickless candles on your credit card receipt remind him of the time he 'forgot' to wear his wedding ring to his high school reunion. Rinse and repeat as needed.
3. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
Today's Good Wife: At the time of his arrival, start the washer and dryer, even if there's nothing in it. He will think that you've been hard at work all day and will forgo his usual lecture on "what exactly did you do while I was gone?"
4. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Today's Good Wife: Set the shed on fire. Make sure all of his GI Joe Action Figures,holey pairs of underwear, and pictures of his ex-girlfriend are inside. When he asks 'What the hell happened' say 'Oopsie daisy' followed by 'Sorry honey, I'm a girl. I didn't know this matchy thing could get that hot. My bad.'
5. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Today's Good Wife: Prepare yourself. Put on your game face so that he can't tell you've been fantasizing about what it would have been like to have married Rod Bishop, that cute jock you used to date, instead. Douse yourself with a can of fabreeze and remove all evidence of your afternoon Cheetos binge.
Double up on the Prozac.
He has just been working with a lot of pretty women who still have their hopes, dreams, and pre-baby figures.
Cry yourself to an ambien induced sleep, but wait until he's busy with his computer porn addiction.
6. Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
By allowing him to figure out the problem himself, you are letting him play Sherlock Holmes. Men love role play.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Today's Good Wife:Make him feel comfortable. Never take out the garbage. Don't wash the dishes. Let your home become as filthy as his old frat house. It will bring back warm feelings of nostalgia for him. If that doesn't provide a sense of comfort for him, scream at him like his mother used to. He compares you to her anyway.
8. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Today's Good Wife: Be a little gay. Submit to that threesome he's been hounding you about. Or tell him about that guy you kissed in college who looked sort of like Janet Reno.
By participating in his deviant fantasies you are buying yourself time to figure out where your life has gone wrong.
9. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Today's Good Wife: Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Hey, it's more KFC for you and you get the queen bed to yourself . When he stumbles in at 3 AM drunk and horny, make sure to have the doors locked and the sprinklers on. A nighttime bath is both refreshing and invigorating and won't use up all your hot water.
10. Be happy to see him.
Today's Good Wife: Be happy to see him. On Fridays. When it's payday.Tell him you will deposit his check for him, then take a good chunk of that money and put it somewhere he won't look. Like the pantry. Save it. You'll need it.
11. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Today's Good Wife: Listen to him, even as he tells you all sorts of fun facts about nuts and screws and some guy named Ted in accounting whose wife let him buy a riding lawnmower. He might also add that there's this new woman at work who reminds him of you ten years ago.
Let him talk until you want to stick hamsters in your ears just to drown out the noise.
Start a conversation in a Yahoo Chat group with a random stranger who 'gets you' while your husband is watching Sports Center. Plan your escape.
12. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Today's Good Wife: Arrange his pillows for him. Try to resist arranging it over his sleeping face. It's not time. Yet.
13. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Today's Good Wife: Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. That lipstick on his collar was probably due to a freak cranberry juice accident and those bodies in his trunk are most likely those of previous wives who did questions his motives. Shut your mouth and call Lifetime Television. Let them know you have an idea for their next episode of Wives with Knives.
14. A good wife always knows her place.
Today's Good Wife: A good wife always knows her place. It turns out its in prison. For murdering her husband.