May 25, 2013

The Three Worst Things I've Seen on TV (This Week)

Now that I have finished the final draft of my novel I found myself with more free time than usual. So, I do what I always do when I have leisure time: I watch TV. Maybe it's been awhile since I've had some good TV time, but I couldn't help but notice that some of the programming (and commercials) have gotten really, really bad. Since I won't be doing any hardcore novel writing this summer, I thought I'd start a new column in my blog called: The Three Worst Things I've Seen on TV This Week. Here's your first installment. Enjoy!

3. A commercial for a penis vacuum.
I was watching a rerun of SNL on daytime TV when this came on. There was a smiling old man with a mustache trying to have sex with a woman who was just as old. He had a twinkle in his eye as he produced a penis suction tube for her approval. The woman beamed. With that, a wild night of old people sex had begun. I honestly thought this was a skit and I was waiting for the punch line (similar to SNL's Ooops I crapped my pants commercials). No. It was real. And, according to testimonials this thing will make you feel like you are eighteen again!

So, why am I horrified? Well, for starters its a tube. And there's suction. I'm thinking if a man is using it to get an erection why not just keep it there and finish the whole job?

Secondly, its portable. And men don't carry purses (as a general rule). Can you imagine opening up your boyfriend's consul to find this little gem?


Picture shown not actual pump advertised on TV
Finally, according to the commercials, most insurance companies cover it. Okay, I'm not a man. I will never know what it's like to not be able to 'get 'er done', but how is this a medical necessity? I could be wrong, like I said. I'm packing ovaries. But if the day ever comes when hubby can't do it on his own, I'm gonna use that opportunity to catch up on all the TV shows I've got DVR'd. You would think that women who've been married for forty years would welcome this kind of break.

And lastly, (yes I know lastly and finally are the same but so what) in this day when so many necessary things are NOT covered by insurance companies, I was surprised this made the, uh, cut.


4. Some ad for weight loss
These are always fun. If you haven't lost weight no matter what you've done before, try this new incredible weight loss secret for the low, low prices of...they never tell you. Sometimes they might give you their introductory fee, but usually you have to talk to one of the representatives who are standing by to find out what the cost really is. I'm guessing it's like buying a turkey; they charge you per pound.

What I found most compelling, and funny, about this ad (and forgive me, it was the middle of the night, I have no idea what company it was) is that not only is diet and exercise required in the small print that scrolled down the bottom of my TV, they added another little tidbit: compliance required.
Maybe it was my sleep deprived state but I kept staring at the screen wondering what sort of compliance they were referring to? My guess was that they lock you in the closet for three weeks and slice rice cakes under the door. When you emerge, voila, you are thin and beautiful. The  only other thing I could think of was that they forced you to wear an electric collar and whenever you took a bit of something you got shocked.

Either way, I'm not signing up.

1. Small Town Security
Note the location of the dog. Actual photo.
Someone, somewhere, made the executive decision to put this on the air. And probably thought it was a good idea. After seeing it spoofed on The Soup several times I gave it a go. Granted, my husband and I had just returned from a night on the town. I had been drinking wine. He was sober. We both TRIED to watch it, but it was too painful on the soul. The camera spent an entire 2 minutes focused on a lady who was either drugged up or constipated.
It should be funny.
But it wasn't.
It was about as entertaining as watching an oil spill cleanup.
Small Town Security boasts the most non-charismatic cast ever assembled. They should have called the show Purgatory, because that's where you feel like you've ended up. All the wine in the world couldn't have made it fun for me. But maybe I just caught them on a bad night.
At any rate it was so bad it's hard to even make fun of.
Yep. That's bad.

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