August 7, 2014

Safety Dance

   I have a newfound fear. It's called The Water Police.
   According to my husband they patrol the neighborhood just looking for folks like me who have watered the lawn mid-day.
   "You'd be arrested in California," he informs me.
   "First of all," I tell him. "We live in Oregon. Second of all..."
   "Secondly," he corrects me.
   "Second of all...I've only done it once. And thirdly..."I glance at him to see if he is going to correct me. He stops himself. "How do you know so much about California water laws?"
   "I read."
   I consider this. "Well, I've seen you water the lawn in the middle of the day multiple times. You haven't gone to jail yet."
   My husband scratches his chin and says thoughtfully, "True. But I did it in the back yard, where no one can see. I can't get arrested for that.
   My husband, who is not a rules follower by any means, loves to get me to follow whatever rules he deems currently necessary by using my neurosis against me. The other day he informed me that walking with traffic was not safe.
   "Do you know how many people are hit by walking with traffic?" he asks.
   "No, do you?"
   "At any given time thousands of people are hit by cars because they are walking with traffic."
   "I didn't know this. Did you read that on the back of a cereal box?"
   "I just know these things."
   He sites the poster in our kitchen. He has been named a Safety Hero at his job site and there's a photo of him in a hardhat lecturing others on job safety.
   "But I'm not your employee," I remind him.
   "If you were you'd be far more cooperative."

   Maybe his plan is working and if he can't make me do what he wants by telling me to, he can scare me into it. I'm now having nightmares about getting hit by cars while watering my front lawn at noon.

   As if I didn't have enough to worry about.

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