If Jesus Had a Facebook Page

Status Update
God, I hate Mondays!

Status Update
Considering growing a beard. What do you think?

Jesus is now following:

• The Bethlehem Wine Company
• Galilee Sandals and Robes
• Donkeys and Things

Status Update:
Going on a team building retreat with The Big Guy. 40 days of training. See you guys in a month!

Jesus is now at: The Judean Desert

Jesus liked this:
Water

Status Update:
I'm back from a life-changing experience. I learned a few tricks, grew a beard, and lost 72 pounds. Can now fit in my 'good' robe.
BTW Satan is a real asshole. Just sayin'.

Jesus posted a new photo to his timeline:
Beard!!!











Friend Requests Sent:
Simon/Peter
James the Son of Zebedee
John of Nazareth
John the Baptist

People You May Know:
Herod

Status Update:
Shout out to John the Baptist! Thanks for friending me man. My mother, Mary wife of Joseph, thought we'd hit it off. I'm going to be out in the wilderness in a few days. I'll look you up.

People You May Know:
Matthew, the Tax Collector
Mary Magdalene

Friend Request Sent:
Mary Magdalene

Message:
Sup Mary?

Jesus liked this:
Fish

Friend Requests Sent:
Simon the Zealot
Judas Iscariot

Status Update:
Having dinner with Simon/Peter. The fish is delicious!












Jesus is now in a relationship with: Mary Magdalene

God Poked You!

Jesus' relationship status has changed to: It's Complicated.

Status Update:
My page has nearly 2000 likes. When I hit 5000 I'm hosting a raffle-copter Eternal Salvation Giveaway. Please like and keep sharing. (*All entrants are winners. Some rules apply)












Jesus has updated his profile:

• Born: Manger
• Skills: Inventor of the bottomless bread basket
• Skills: Turning water into wine
• Skills: Growing the world's most awesome beard

Status Update:
In one word describe how we met, then copy and paste this into your own update and I will do the same. One word. No cheating.
Comments:
-Fishing
-Fishing
-Money-changing
-Tax-collecting
-Dudes! WTH? One word!
-taxcollecting (LOL)
-you guys suck

Judas has tagged you in a photo.

Message Sent:
Hey Judas. Posting that pic of us from a decade ago was not cool. You know I'm self-conscious about my weight back then. Crop me out of the next one.

Jesus posted on John the Baptist's Timeline.
Had fun meeting you IRL. Let's do it again real soon.

Jesus shared a link:
The Mediterranean Diet

Judas has tagged you in a photo.
Me and my buddy JC at the Dead Sea during Spring Break. Good times!









Message Sent:
Not funny, Judas! That last one wasn't even of me. Cut it out!

Status Update:
It is National Leprosy Awareness Week. If you or someone you know has leprosy please post this as your status for one hour. Unless you have no fingers. Then see if someone else will post for you.

Jesus has updated his profile:

• Went to school in: Nazareth
• Worked at: Joseph's Bench Emporium
• Son of: God

Suggested Post:
A Course in Miracles

Status Update:
It was a good day. I walked twelve miles (got in all my steps for the day), gave a man sight, and raised the dead. Trying hard not to regain my pre-desert weight. It's hard with all the fish!

Jesus shared a video:
What if God was One of Us

Notification:
Judas has invited you to play Candy Crush.









Status Update:
Got a job interview tomorrow at Bethlehem Wine Company. Wish me luck!

People You May Know:
Pontius Pilate

Status Update:
Bummed! Did not get the job. They said I was over-qualified. What does that even mean? Thinking I'm going to take a nap and think about life for a while.

Suggested Post:
Author God
Read my thrilling new book: The Old Testament. Based on the life and times of ME!
At select scroll stores throughout the Eastern Mediterranean.

Jesus uploaded a photo:
Me as a baby. Wasn't I cute?

Status Update:
Traffic was terrible today. Had to take the donkey. Hope tomorrow's better. Goodnight world.

Judas tagged you in a photo
My man JC working miracles with the ladies!










Mary Magdalene has poked you!
God poked you!

Message Sent:
Mary! That guy in the picture doesn't even look like me. C'mon!

Jesus has changed his relationship status to: single.

Are you sure you want to unfriend Judas Iscariot?
Yes

Facebook Account Deactivated

Facebook Account Reactivated

Status Update:
Surprise! 

 

(April Aasheim is the author of The Witches of Dark Root and The Universe is a Very Big Place)